I heard once that the life began with the majority, at 18 years old here... If my life began then, then it was a disaster I guess.

Everything started when I had the stupid idea to go on ICq and to chat with a friend of mine. She didn't look like being joyful at all. I said: what's wrong? - I'm exhausted... I'm trying to convince neutron that he must not kill himself.

The guy is someone that worked with us in the chilren camp camp this summer. I wasn't very surprise when I hears this. He's the best example I know of someone who lacks self-confidence.

I'm saying to my friend: go to sleep, you're working tomorrow, I'll handle it. So she went to sleep and I started to talk to him, with delicate words, with a happy tone, everything.

I knew right at the begining that I should have... I'm very instable emotionnaly....

First, I was acting friendly. Then he said to me that he had discussed of suicide with my friend. Then I tried everything to raise his self-esteem, tried to find the talents he had, to compliment him, but he always said: no, you're wrong, I'm not worth anything, you are good and I am bad, I don't have any talent, you search in vain, etc...

I must admit that I didn't beleive all I said to him. But he didn't need the truth, he needed help, and urgent help.

Then, he said to me that he had already eaten some aspirins. WHAT??? How many? - you don't want to know - HOW MANY?? - quite a lot.

At this time, I was still calm. I just tried to think fast, to find solutions. I once hard that someone who has eaten lot of aspirins won't die if he stays up, if he doesn't sleep. My tone changed then: I was saying "I want you to live, I want you to live - it's too late, he said, adieu, tu ne me reverras plus, etc"...

I didn't stop, I continued saying warms things and "I want to see you alive, you deserve to live", and without never saying the verb 'to die'... I began to be very stressed.

During the time he told me his shits, it seems everything became white, I couldn't see my feet when I stood up, I was remembering things I did want to forget. Oh, god, oh god... all this stuff had disturbed me a lot, and now it was happening again, with another person....

I told him things that I wouldn't have told to anyone on the topic of suicide, and at the same time I tried to recomfort him, I was just saying to myself: 'not again, not again, do something this time... oh, not again...'

And I even said things that was at the opposite of my own values and ideologies just to stop him - from what??? - indeed, instead of saying: you should fight, you should live, I would have said "you're fucking stupid and selfish, you're distgusting, you make me want to vomit"... Of course I didn't say that, I knew it wouldn't be a good idea.

Then, I don't know what happened exactly, but I felt that panic was overwhelming me. My whole body was horribly shaking and I felt hysteria in my bones. total panic, I didn't know what to do. I was freaking like a fuking junkie in front of my computer screen. What do I do now? What do I do!! I must do something this time, I just can't let it happen twice...

Them, while the guy was saying to me that he felt fainting in the darkness, I looked on icq who else was online. Two persons: mally and someone else, I don't remember who, who was N/A. I send a message to mally, something like: "Please, I need help, a friend of mine has eaten a bootle of aspirin and I'm talking to him on icq right now, what should I do?!??" I was completely hysteric...

She said two magic words: ambulance and vomit. I would have thought of these two words in a normal situation, but not then... I needed someone sane to think for me, and she did it brightfully (i'll never thank you enough, mally). 

I said to the guy: "what's you address? - no, really - whats is your fucking address!! I'm calling the ambulance. - NO, Don't do that!! - So, you think I'll just cross my arms and watch you die? I have your phone number, I can find your address. - NO, PLEASE DO NOT -  Can you try to make you vomit? I'll look for your address because you're too damn stupid to give it to me." (no I didn't say the 'damn stupid', but almost)

He sent me a chat session request. The first thing he said: "I made me vomit. - WHAT? - Please, don't do this, have you called the ambulance? - Do you really think I'll tell you if I called the ambulance??! - Please, don't do it, I don't want my parents to......."

I became red of rage.

"THAT WAS A LIE?????? - I only ate 3 or 4 aspirins... not as much as I pretended... I'm so sorry"

Then it was my turn. I emptied my bag: filthy, disgusting, cruel, everything... I was crying all my fucking soul over my keyboard... I kept repeating that he would have done this, he had alchool just beside him, and that it's because of me that he's still alive. I prayed me not to be angry at him. Fucking idiot.

I made him promise that he would never try to end his life again. He felt so guilty for making me suffering that he would have promised aything. "I'm sorry, he said, I didn't mean to make you suffer nor to hurt you... -And me being angry at you is surprising you?!?? You thought that I would say: oh, that ok, everything will be all right, I'll forget it this time?!?? - All I thought is that I would die tonight..."

I asked him to let me a few days or a few weeks before talking to me again. I just wanted to sleep, I stayed with him for 4 hours... from midnight to 4 o'clock... and from 4 to 5, I cried so hard my eyes were hurting. I know that's I've been emotionnaly damaged for a least a few days, if not longer.... that was awful... that was one of the worst night of my life.... I wasn't able to sleep.... I think I finally started sleeping at 9 o'clock.

And the morning after, my mother is waking me up at 11 o'clock with a bed breakfast. Oh god. That was rough. I didn't want to tell her about this shit. I did though, in three sentences... 

Please, everyone, I'm talking seriously... I don't ever want any of you talking about concrete suicide... Artistic suicide is ok, since it's a great source of inspiration, but I will hate you to death if I hear about concrete acts. Yesterday I just thought I would die from a heart attack or a nerve crisis.

I love you people.