*** drummer How do you know if a drummer is at your door? The knock slows down. What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? The drummer How do you know if the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth! *** conductor What's the closes thing in the world to watching "the tree stooges"? Seeing a conductor without the sound. If you see a violist in the road, and a cponductor beside her, which do you hit first and why? The conductor, buisness before pleasure. You're in a room with Stalin, Hitler, a Conductor, and a gun. But you only have 2 bullets - who do you shoot? -The conductor. Twice. A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line by Donn Laurence Mills If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.) 1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs. 2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor. 3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. 4. Look the other way just before cues. 5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment. 6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor. 7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds. 8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth). 9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches 10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. 11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music. 12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. 13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently. 14. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?" 15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder. 16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert. 17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget. you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.) 18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important. *** woodwind How do you get 2 piccolos in tune? Shoot one! There are two instruments worse than a clarinet - two clarinets. "If someone plays the bagpipes well, how can you tell?" - Royal Canadian Air Farce What's the definition of tuning? Something that works great with radios, but it completely useless on saxophones or clarinets. What's the best use for a oboe? Trick question.. there isn't a use for the oboe. What's the best part about playing clarinet? Using your case to park in the handicapped zones and... my personal favorite How do you get two woodwind players to play in tune? shoot one. *** violin Why do violinists stand for long periods outside people's houses? They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in. What's the difference between a seamstress and a violinist? The seamstress tucks up the frills. Why don't viola players suffer from piles? Because all the assholes are in the first violin section. What is the difference between a dog and a violinist? The dog knows when to stop scratching. What is the difference between a viola and a violin? There isn't any; it's just that the violinist's head is SO much bigger! *** brass What's the least-used sentence in the English language? "Isn't that the trombonist's Porsche?" What do you call ten sop cornets at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. How do you get your euphonium to sound like a french horn? Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes. How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb? 3. 1 to hold the bulb, and 2 to drink until the room spins. How do you get a euph to sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a clarinet ;) How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it. What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? I don't know either. How do you know when a trombone player is at your door? The doorbell drags. What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road? The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig. How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing. These two tuba players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen! How can you tell when a Horn has a solo line in an orchestra? -what horn? "God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way." -- Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player "Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them." -- Richard Strauss Why do people play trombone? Because they can't read music and move their fingers at the same time. *** viola Alpie- you know what the longest viola joke is? Harold in Italy! How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case. How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice. How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando? Mark it ``solo.'' What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola. Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola? It saves time. Viola players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune Why do people keep viola cases on otheir dashboard? So they can park in handicapped spots! Why are people scared if a man walks into a bank carrying a violin case? They are afraid that he has a gun and is going to use it. Why are people scared if a man walks into a bank carrying a viola case? They are afraid that he has a viola and is going to use it!! How do you define 12-tone music? A six-desk viola section.